It’s been over four years now since a major “trouble” hit our family. It was (is) devastating and the law was involved. We did what we could to offer our help and support and even paid needed attorney fees. And we prayed…my how we prayed.
Although our hearts were broken and our spirits troubled, I felt at the very beginning that God had given me a scripture, “Be still and know that I am God” from Ps. 46:10.
And so we did what we could and we waited. Not so patiently sometimes, and not without a great deal of angst. In the midst of this trouble, I puzzled many times over the scripture I felt had been dropped into my heart. Was there something else I could do? Was there another person I could contact, another letter I could write? If only I knew what more I could do, it would surely make a difference in the outcome.
The case was in the hands of the county prosecutor and for four long years they threatened yet did nothing to bring the situation to a conclusion…no arrest, no warrants…NOTHING but phone calls about once a year. Surely I thought this was all going to go away. “Be still and know that I am God.” I puzzled over how this issue was going to be resolved. Was God going to sweep in and deliver the accused of all wrong-doing? Was He going to soften the heart of the authorities? Was He going to change the law and just make it all go away? “Be still and know that I am God.” That must mean that God is going to do a miracle on behalf of the person who made a bad choice.
In the end that miracle did not happen and, just two weeks ago, the matter has had an outcome that we did not want to see. It could have been worse, but it is still devastating and our family will live with this for the rest of our lives. So many lives affected and so many people hurt.
I admit I was hurt and angry. And yes, I did not understand why God had given me the scripture and then let me down. Why didn’t God solve this problem in the manner that I would have liked to have seen? Did He not speak that verse to my heart and is He not still the God of miracles? Depression set in and questions with no answers chased themselves through my mind on a Mobius circle track. No answers, just an endless circle.
I had not told my brother of the scripture that I felt had been given to me. Yet we were emailing back and forth and yesterday he related to me an incident that happened in his own life many years ago. Here is what he wrote:
“Years ago I was walking down the street. Nothing was going right and everything and everyone seemed to be disintegrating into stupid… I was so frustrated… Then I saw a picture in my head. I will not call it a vision, but it was, to my thinking none-the-less Godly! I was standing on a fault line running from the north pole to the south pole with one foot on either side, trying as best I could to squeeze my legs together to keep the world from splitting apart. The still small voice in the background simply said, “Hard to keep it together isn’t it?” Then there was a pause, as I contemplated the absurdity of the question. Then there are a follow-up – “If I do not do it, you cannot, so stop trying and go home and get some sleep!” I laughed and did as told.
I am still not good at letting things take their own course or letting failure happen, but I am trying to do what I can and then release it to others and to God.”
As I read these words, I had an epiphany of sorts. Perhaps I had misunderstood God. Maybe “Be still and know that I am God” meant just that! Maybe the miracle was that God is in control and I don’t need to be. Maybe I need to learn to trust Him, even when He doesn’t do things the way I would!! Perhaps I need to rest in His presence and know that if He is the one who holds the world together then all my striving and manipulations are not really needed.
This is not a “cop-out” to sit back and do nothing. Nor is it meant to say that God allowed this family tragedy to occur so He could teach me a lesson. It is about learning to trust in the midst of the trial without thinking that I need to solve every problem. Ultimately we do what we can and leave the rest to God. We may not understand, but we can trust. Certainly if God doesn’t do it (whatever “IT” happens to be) then how could I think that I can? It is God that holds the world together, not me standing on the fault line trying to keep it from flying apart. It is God who is in control of situations that we do not understand and cannot change.
I slept last night better than I have in over four years. “Be still and know that I am God.” God is.
I did something a little different this year. I handmade all the Christmas gifts for the family (23 in all)– except for the two beautiful walking sticks handcrafted by my Dear Husband, Russ. Most seemed to appreciate my efforts and I even had three requests for additional items.
Russ makes a good model, doesn’t he?!?!
Then, between Christmas and New Years, I had a houseful of teens. The two from out of town spent the entire time here and the three local ones spent most days and several nights here as well. On New Year’s eve, we had all 5 teens for a New Years watch party and sleepover.
In a word, EXHAUSTING!! Added to that, I was trying to fulfill a request by one of the girls to make her a dress – customized to her specifications. Normally not a big deal but with all the things I had just made and all the company and busyness of Christmas, I was tired. Still I worked on the dress, but didn’t quite get it finished in time for her to take it home with her when she left.
After all the kids had left and most of the mess was cleaned up, I began to work on the dress. I wasn’t happy. The granddaughter had said she would help and she didn’t. She had told me of a life style decision she is making and wanted me to support that. When I said I would accept her but could not approve of her choices, she became upset and all the cousins rallied to her side. For the first time ever they were rude and disrespectful to us and our home, and even left behind some disrespectful posters they had made while they were here.
And so as I worked on this dress, I grumbled and complained. “She doesn’t deserve this dress,” I thought. “She needs to show more respect and make better choices.” “I’m tired and don’t feel like working on this dress.”
Have you ever heard that ‘still, small voice?’ I did and it was not very small!! Like a gentle knock on the noggin, I heard God say to me, “You can sew that dress and make each stitch a knot of your hurt and resentment or you can use the sewing time to pray for this child and fill every stitch with love.”
WHOA! How many times have I asked God for something that I didn’t deserve. God has never broken a promise made to me and He has continued to love me even when I have wandered away from His best plan for my life. I made a promise to this granddaughter to make her a dress. It was up to me to stitch it with either resentment or love…my choice. I am almost finished with it now, and as I sew, I pray for this child. When I give her the dress I hope that she will feel my love. When she wears that dress, I pray she will be enveloped not only in my love, but in some way, will feel God’s love as well. She was dedicated to God as an infant and I trust that someway, someday her heart will turn back towards Him. In the meantime, I need to watch my attitude and always finish each stitch with love.
( It’s a costume based on a Japanese (Anime) cartoon character. I don’t understand – but this is what she wanted!!)
I woke up this morning with the words to that old song playing through my head. Like so many of the hymns that I remember as a girl, this one is no longer heard that often. But as I thought about the words, I found myself humbled by the simplicity, yet profound meaning, found in those words.
“Just as I am…” I don’t have to get dressed up or cleaned up to come to Jesus. There is nothing I can do to make myself presentable or worthy of His love, and yet that love is all encompassing. He is always there waiting for me…just as I am.
“without one plea…” When you are arrested for breaking the law and you go to court, you are required to enter a plea. Which of us, when standing before God in our own flesh, could enter a plea of “Not Guilty?” Yet, we can come boldly to his throne, knowing that we are guilty but not having to enter a plea because…
“…but that thy blood was shed for me…” When that criminal stands before the judge and enters a plea of “guilty” he can expect to receive a sentence commensurate with his crime. He will serve that sentence, and his offense will be on his record. But because of the shed blood of Jesus Christ I can stand guiltless before Him and there is no record of my crimes. He has already paid my debt.
“…and as thou bidst me come to thee, O Lamb of God I come, I come.” What a wonderful promise. He stands with arms held wide, bidding, calling us to come to Him. Not because of anything we can do on our own but because we are clean and free through Jesus. We can rest our weary heads on his welcoming shoulder and receive comfort in our time of need. How wonderful that we can say with confidence…”I come, I come.”
I love the last two lines of this song “…because thy promise, I believe, O lamb of God I come, I come.”
